It's no big secret to anyone following this blog that I've cut back on my blogging. I've even changed what I do blog about and when except for those blogs I'm committed to do. This is another of those times.
It's my anniversary today! Happy
Anniversary to us for passing the 21 year mark in spite of life's hard
knocks. That's what faith, forgiveness, and fortitude has done for us,
but I'm afraid this is coming to an end.
No not divorce but death.
husband's condition has rapidly deteriorated over the past year since
my stroke. He has honestly given his disease ravaged body a good fight
for staying with me. This year so far he has fought numerous bouts of
pneumonia and congestive heart failure. At the end he's bounced back,
but had not bounced back fully. Each time has taken its toll to the
point where there is almost nothing left.
I watch him
struggle to draw a breath and stop breathing completely for a few
moments, and can see the truth. We've had the revolving door of in and
out of doctors' offices, the *ologist's brigade, over the past several
months to where we are all exhausted. All of it to hear the same thing,
all wonder why he is still breathing and talking. I wasn't sure myself,
but for years I've been praying for peace and comfort. I no longer pray
for healing. That has been given to us in spades although it might not
seem that way to most. I've been blanketed, no cocooned, in peace and
comfort that I've forgotten all my worldly training.
week that revelation was brought home to me by my hospice nurse
daughter while we were discussing his condition. For the past month now,
my beloved has imposed on our children to take me out and do fun things
like the farmers trade and swap, movies, lunches etc. for several hours
a week. Another child, or grandchild, or extended family would sit with
him and take care of his needs. I couldn't see why he was doing it or
at least refused to see why.
The reason was to get me
involved with life again. To make me realize that life goes on even
after death. It was his gift to me. My daughter said, "Mom, you need to
tell him that you will be fine without him. It's time to say goodbye."
I have counseled umpteen gazillion people to do the same thing. I've
even done it with family members like my mother, sister, assorted
others. I've counseled others as a nurse and a minister. BUT it never dawned on me or recognized that it was time to do this with my husband.
this week as I stroked his face and kissed his lips, I told him
goodbye. I will be fine that he could stop fighting. He could look into
my eyes and see it was the truth. I gave him permission to leave me
until we meet again. This was my final gift to him and there is nothing
more precious left to give.
And now I wait, because I refuse to mourn his passing until he breathes no more.